A Guide To Visiting Bath
1) Catching The Bus - Finding
Before heading from Victoria Train Station to Victoria Coach station, be sure to pack plenty of water, crackers, comfy footwear and maybe some overnight gear, in case you get too tired to carry on and are forced to fight the homeless for the warmest phone booth to spend the night. Upon arrival, do partake in the Burger King served by a heavily pregnant Nigerian, whose husband is pumping out the burgers behind her as you share a standing table with three other Burger King merry-makers. Be wary of leaving pennies on the counter; the pregnant lady will snatch it up so fast she will leave the counter burning with friction. Do not touch the counter for five seconds after this has happened .
2) Catching The Bus – Travelling
Wedge your knees neatly under your chin and prepare for your journey. You may talk if you wish, but remember that hangovers breed deafness, so be prepared to repeat yourself or have to ask for reiteration, only to find yourself too tired to form words, or find your fellow conversationalist has fallen asleep between words. Do wake up your bus-mate to point out lambs frolicking in paddocks. They may or may not appreciate this, but if you arrange your face to appear childishly delighted, they will smile, pat your knee and then go back to sleep. Make sure you check the faces of everybody on the bus, because there will be four friends from your hometown sitting across from you, three seats forward. They’ll spot you first, you’ll exchange a couple of awkward sentences yelled across the bus, and end the conversation with ‘we’ll chat to you once we get off the bus.’
3) Finding Your Hostel
Chat to your friends from home for a few moments, and agree to meet up for drinks later in the night. Go your separate ways to find your respective hostels. Marvel at the beauty of the buildings, all light yellow Bath stone structures crossing centuries of architectural design. Point to a sign reading ‘Hobgoblin: Bath’ and say ‘That’s where Hobgoblins go to bathe!’ When your travel partner doesn’t react with the laughter you think your observation deserves, repeat the joke until they say ‘yeah, I got it!’. Wander around the centre, smile at the pedestrian malls and corner pubs. Old buildings and quaint side-streets need constant reassurance that they are still loved and appreciated, so you must make sure you always smile at impressive architecture and pretty awnings. Feel free to get lost as you try to find the right street for your hostel, and then when you find it, allow yourself to feel a little glum as you leave the beauty of the city centre for more suburban surroundings.
4) Check In
Find your hostel, and be relieved that you pre-booked because all the hostels you have passed on your way have had ‘No Vacancies’ signs displayed. Linger in the foyer. Crane your neck to see if anybody is around. Make faces at each other that indicate your discomfort and confusion about there being nobody to greet you at reception. Finally wander a little further and stick your head into the sitting room. Get a bit scared that there is a tall, sallow-skinned man drinking tea in there. Observe each other mildly, then withdraw back into reception. Wait thirty more seconds. Jump when the aforementioned sallow-skinned man lurches out of the sitting room and stands, hunched-shouldered behind the reception desk. Listen to him smack his lips dryly. Silence. Listen to him say: ‘Name?’. Say your name. Heavy sigh. Scratch your nose. Heavy sigh. Leafing through reception book. Watch one shoulder slump as he traces his finger down the names in the ledger. Try to stifle a noise of disgusted fascination as he bends to get your key and reveals dandruff littered throughout his greying hair. Note that they look like mini-continents. Take the key and follow him up three flights of narrow stairs to your room. It will be a nice room, with fresh yellow walls and pressed sheets. Your en suite will be clean and well-maintained. There will be nice touches, like fake flowers and a large armchair in the corner. Wave as the owner leaves, then begin to giggle and make comments about ‘Norman Bates’ and ‘stuffed animals.’ Giggle long enough for the giggles to stop sounding absurd and to start sounding slightly hysterical. Be overcome by minor concern that you have unwittingly entered a Hitchcock film. Cover the keyhole with your towel as you change.
5) A Night On The Town
Wander back into town in the early afternoon, when the sky is a shocking blue and clouds are non-existent. Take truckloads of photos in the golden afternoon sun. Upload them to http://www.flickr.com/photos/joffley as soon as you get home. Find yourself unexpectedly outside the hostel your friends are staying in, but only pop in to say a quick hello because you are feeling hungry and you want to find a traditional pub meal somewhere. Wander the town for approximately an hour trying to find aforementioned traditional pub meal, but locate only sloppy frozen-looking chain pubs. Finally settle for a quaint pub away from the main city, but find yourself wanting to vomit after eating your ‘traditional’ pie. You will be unable to pinpoint why you feel so sick, but after a few cocktails with friends your nausea will pass and you want have any adverse side-effects to the meal. Conclude that the nausea was psychological. After you have met back up with your friends, chat for a few hours and then decide to have an early night. Be greeted at your hostel by a woman who is too perky too late at night to have complete control of all her faculties. Start becoming concerned about being murdered in your shower again. This feeling will rise again the next day as you descend into the basement for the breakfast that comes as part of the bed & breakfast package. They will be unfounded fears, but you’ll be unable to shake the thought as you sink lower and lower into the depths of the hostel. You will find tables of innocent people chatting and eating, and your fears will be quickly dispelled. The meal will be delicious, although you will be served by the woman who is still too perky, but now too perky, too early. She’ll see your wave of your hand to indicate who still needs serving and say, very loudly and still very perkily, ‘yes, I’ll get to you, I only have one pair of hands.’ You’ll get immensely annoyed by this. After all, you were only trying to indicate that your side of the basement hadn’t had their order taken yet, and she had to go and bellow across the room so you sound selfish and uncaring for the other people waiting. You’ll narrow your eyes at her and make her your sworn enemy.
6) Take A Walking Tour
Congregate outside the Baths to participate in the free two-hour walking tour, available at 10:30 and 2pm every day of the week except Saturday, when it’s only at 10:30. So there are approximately 50 people waiting, but there are four guides to accommodate for them. The group splits into quarters, and you begin. You will have a lovely old man named Matthew, whose knowledge of the city is so phenomenal that he will talk solidly for two hours, then apologise that the tour is going to run over-time, and talk for another hour. He will explain the history of Bath, how it became famous, the big names who developed the cities style and reputation. He’ll mention everything from public opinion about buildings to the traditional way of living in 19th century Bath. After the tour, you’ll feel like a Bath expert, and wander back to the buildings that most fascinated you to try and see inside of them. The Arts Hall will be closed because it is a weekend, so you won’t get to see the banquet room, but you will get to see the Assembly Rooms, with their enormous chandeliers dripping crystal onto the floor. You won’t go and see Royal Crescent manor because you’ll get annoyed that they charge five pounds to enter but you can’t take any photos once inside. Disappointed you’ll wander the parks to a bird aviary, well sign-posted and secretly promising exotic birds and enormous cages stretching to the heavens. Laugh when you see the very exotic birds: budgerigars and cockatiels from Australia! Head back to your hostel for an afternoon nap.
7) Dinner And A Show
Wake in time to be at one of the top Indian restaurants in Britain, Eastern Eye, as soon as it opens. Manage to get a table, but note that later people without reservations are having to queue. Marvel at the pink and white, domed ceiling, supposedly one of the finest pieces of interior architecture in Bath. Note that the food is very affordable, and order a couple of drinks before settling into a sumptuous main meal of curry and fresh naan bread. Finish your meal in time with five minutes to spare for the theatre, but smile to yourself knowing you aren’t seeing ‘theatre’ so much as a puppet show. For adults. Enjoy the story and giggle at occasional moments, but in general be aware of the poor script and bad comic timing. Also dislike when the puppeteers put themselves into the show, because it feels self-indulgent, unnecessary and it jars the illusion of the puppetry. Agree with your travel partner that the show is technically brilliant, and end by lamenting the sub-par script and generally strange story idea. Buy Magnums from the biggest Sainsbury’s you’ve ever seen and eat them on your way back to the hostel. Fall asleep before your travel partner, but wake, petrified, when you hear a woman screaming on the TV. Remind yourself again that you’re not in a Hitchcock film.
8) Visiting the Baths
Get up early again for another lovely breakfast. By this time your travel partner will hopefully have joined you in your vendetta against the perky lady. You will both narrow your eyes at her as she takes your order. Note that her eyes are very piggish. Observe the stuffed birds hanging in the window. Shudder. As you walk back up the stairs, jump at the sight of a dog statue with teeth bared and a crocheted shawl over its shoulders. Also stare at a stuffed cat curled up on chair, and remind yourself that it’s not a real stuffed cat, but rather a toy. Still, be slightly relieved as you sign out of the hostel. Wander for half an hour around the wrong streets looking for the William Herschel museum, but finally give up and head into the city centre to see the baths. Get distracted for another half an hour watching street performers outside of the swanky tea-rooms beside the baths. They will be two comedians running around in sequinned leather g-strings, doing strength stunts and making generally hilarious gags. Give them money at the end, mainly because their final stunt involves them doing handstands on top of ladders with sparklers up their bums. Enter the baths. There will be a queue, but it will move quickly. Get quickly bored by the audio tour and start listen to the children’s tour. Get equally bored by this. Praise the fact that the time you are checking out the baths is the only 45 minutes of pure sunshine you have seen all day. Wander around main bath, with your nose screwed up slightly at the rank green of the water. You will feel no confusion as to why they are no longer in use. Make several jokes about amoebic meningitis. Touch the water and say ‘oooh! It is warm!’ in a stupid voice that people automatically slip into when touching the water of hot springs. Fear that, as a result of your need to touch the water, you have consequently caught amoebic meningitis. Start to get distressed by the volume of people and move quickly through the rest of the exhibit, while still retaining the overwhelming sense of wonder and history at the immaculate restoration of the baths. Drink some water from the spring, but find yourself unable to finish the glass because it tastes overwhelmingly of iron, plus it is a creepy lukewarm. Buy a small stone owl from the gift shop.
9) Heading Home
Spend the rest of the afternoon watching the football in a corner pub. Head for the bus and be delighted to discover TVs on board. Watch ‘Friends,’ ‘Location Location Location,’ ‘All In The Family’ and ‘Creature Comforts.’ Marvel at the glumness of Swindon as you drive past, and try to get a photo of a bleary sign with the word ‘Swindon’ on it. Note that everybody getting on at the Swindon bus station look like they have turned grey from exposure to too much bleak Swindon-ness. Get off the train at Heathrow rather than Victoria, and save yourself over an hour of travel.